Saul Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Amalekites

Susannelein’s Quick and Entertaining Summary of 1 Samuel 29-30:

The Philistines were getting ready to attack Israel and Saul’s army. David was part of the Philistine army attack force because he had taken refuge with them while he was on the run from Saul.  Some of commanders looked at David and were like, “Hey, what’s this guy doing here? He’s going to double cross us, kill our men, and then return to Saul.” And Achish was like, “Guys, no worries. David is my bodyguard and he’s totally awesome. He won’t double cross us.” But they wouldn’t listen and demanded that David leave. So Achish said, “David, look, I know that you’re a cool guy and everything but you have to go back to Ziklag because these guys are jerks. So, you should probably leave now. Peace out, I’ll see you when we’re done fighting.” And David was like, “Duuude, but I’m totally awesome! I’ve protected you and everything. Why can’t I go into the battle too?” Achish shook his head, “Yeah, I know. But you need to go home now.”

So David and his band of rebels went back home to Ziklag, which was the Philistine town they had settled in. After three day’s hard journey they arrived at the town gate. OH no, their EVEN BIGGER ENEMIES, the Amalekites, had raided the town! They had burned the city to the ground and had kidnapped all of the women and children! The bad guys had even taken that smart/hot Abigail whom David had married a few episodes. David fell to the ground weeping, all his strength gone. His men were like, “David! This is totally your fault! If we hadn’t been trying to fight Saul with the Philistines none of this would have happened. We’re going to stone you now.” And David said, “I need to strengthen myself in the Lord. Go get the ephod.” So he asked the Lord if they should go after the raiders. God said, “Yes! Hurry up and you’ll catch them!” 

David took 600 men on a rescue mission to save their wives and children. Some of the men collapsed by the river and were like, ” You guys go on – we have no strength so we’ll stay here. Good luck.” So David and 400 men continued onward. They found this random Egyptian guy wandering around a field – he hadn’t eaten or had any water in 3 days. David asked, “Hey, random Egyptian, what are you doing wandering around this field looking half-starved?” And the guy said, “I’m a slave of the Amalekites who raided Ziklag. My master is a jerk-face idiot and abandoned me in this field when I got too sick to go on. I totally hate that guy and I want to double cross him, so I’ll show you where they are.” And he did. When David and his men found the Amalekites they killed most of them and rescued their wives and kids. Woo hoo! Abigail and her sister-wife are safe!

When the rescue party got back to their comrades who had collapsed by the river, some of the men were like, “Hey! You guys didn’t fight with us. We’ll give you back your women and kids but you can’t have any of the plunder.” And the river guys said, “That’s totally not fair!” So David said, “Everyone calm down. We’ll split everything equally.” David also sent some of the plunder to the other towns in the region in order to buy support for himself from his neighbors. To be continued…